The Mastery of Love, Part II

If you’ve been keeping up from part I, you can guess that the two characters in Ruiz’s story fall in love. What makes the story intriguing is Ruiz’s imagery. He explains that the man tries to give the woman a star. Now this star is very important, it’s no ordinary star. The man was so happy and full of love for the woman he had met that a star came down from the sky to him and got inside of him. It is so beautiful! He is so excited to share it with his lover and to prove his love.

When he gets home she can see all its beauty. Unfortunately she also feels a moment of doubt when he hands it to her. She drops that magical star and it shatters into a million pieces. So again the man returns to not believing in love and the woman cries forever wishing for what she had lost.  Very un-fairytale-like, right? But the question Ruiz introduces at this point is, who was in the wrong? I was quick with my answer, her! She doubted love so she must have been wrong, and what pity I felt for the man. But, alas, I was wrong. It was not her but he who was wrong, explains Ruiz. “The star was his happiness, and his mistake was to put his happiness in her hands.”(Ruiz 52).

This was so profound to me! We walk through life believing others are responsible for our happiness and that another can make us happy when that is the sole responsibility of ourselves. When he makes her responsible for him being happy, that is the moment things go wrong. Taking responsibility for our own happiness is essential in the pursuit of self-love. How can we learn to love ourselves when we expect someone to do all the loving for us? We are not love receptacles just waiting to be filled up. We can’t expect others to fill us with their love and keep doing so to satisfy us. We have to produce and maintain that love for ourselves by ourselves to be able to share it with others. And I feel that that is the most important lesson in this book.

Author, Don Miguel Ruiz

Have you read the book? Let me know what you think below!

Interested in reading the book? Click here!

 

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The Mastery of Love, Part I

I was hesitant at first to talk about this book here, seeing as I had previously talked about a book by the same author, The Four Agreements. But I think the fact that I was so compelled to share both of his works goes to show the type of true love and energy that the author has poured into these works. In this book the Mastery if Love, Don Miguel Ruiz gives us the gift of his wisdom yet again. As a follower of the Toltec tradition, Ruiz writes that, “The mastery of love is the result of the first two masteries [awareness and transformation].” And that, “Everything is made of love. Love is life itself.” Although this all sounds very dreamy and inspirational, I’m sure someone who is not quite as open may not see it that way. Because of this I don’t want to try and sum up the entire book but focus on one chapter that I thought was especially significant and I hope that what I got from that chapter will inspire you to take a peek at the book yourself!

“The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love”, sounds like the beginning of a great fairytale right? In this, the third chapter of the mastery of love, Ruiz introduces us to a character, a man, who sounded so much like many people I have met in life. He didn’t believe in love. A devout scholar he had explained away all of the mysteries of love with logic. He didn’t believe it existed at all. He actually he claimed that love was “made up”, an invention of the poets and the writers, just an idea used as a tool to control and manipulate. As the chapter continues Ruiz explains that the man had searched for love and never found it and likened the relationship between lovers to that of a drug dealer to the addict. Now what was particularly interesting about the story was that the man happened to find someone, a woman, who thought just like him, love did not exist.

Does love not exist just because we can’t find it? Find out in Part II of my essay on “The Mastery of Love”!

 

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Some Wounds Don’t Show, Part II

In connecting with Scott, I expressed my concern over youth suffering with depression. It seems today as if there are so many incidences of violence in schools across the nation, often stemming cases of mental illness. I wondered of youth in America seemed to be suffering increasingly more as we march forward in time. I also wanted to know where self-love fit into the equation for battling depression and any mental illness. Do psychologists even consider the aspect of self-love as clinical or a part of the battle against depression? After many years of my own suffering I found my complete lack of love to be the base of my own sadness and feelings of unworthiness.  Scott gave us the clinical point of view.

Have you found, during your professional practice, an increase in depression among young adults?

Scott – “Depression is one of the most common presenting issues in university counseling centers, along with anxiety, relationship concerns, stress management, and adjustment issues. We also see very severe pathology such as schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. We have seen an overall increase in mental health concerns on campuses across the country, not just with depression, and also an increase in the need for services because of those changes. We also see a lot of students who have a previous history of psychological treatment, more so than we may have in the past.”

Is self-love a professional term? How would you define self-love?

Scott – “Self-love is not directly a clinical term, though it is often used as a replacement for the concept of self-esteem or self-confidence. It comes from the concept of “love of oneself” that was coined by a psychologist named Erich Fromm, who wrote a book called The Art of Loving in the 1950s. I think the concept of self-love involves knowing and appreciating aspects of you. This includes your strengths and weaknesses and learning to care about yourself at a deeper level.

I also believe there’s a significant difference between having strong self-esteem and being cocky or narcissistic. Someone who is narcissistic tends to ignore their complete selves; focusing only on things they consider positive or superior to others and negating any of their own weaknesses. In reality, those individuals are often more sensitive to criticism because it brings to light those aspects of themselves that they try to suppress. It’s self-love taken from a healthy adaptive view of oneself to a maladaptive one.”

How important is the concept of self-love in battling depression? Do you feel like the lack of self-love is a major contributor to depression?

Scott – “I think the concept of self-love/esteem/confidence can have a direct relationship with depression. Some of the symptoms of depression include a depreciation of ourselves, our contributions to society, and our ability to love and be loved by others. When we don’t respect ourselves it certainly can impact our mood, and in the treatment of depression a part of the process is learning an appreciation of our uniqueness and appropriately caring about who we are and how we behave in the world.”

When is the time to seek professional help?

Scott – “Some of the symptoms above happen to us on a regular basis, but it is when those symptoms last for a while or many of them seem to be occurring all at once, that may be a sign that seeking support would be helpful. We also recommend that a person who is experiencing some of these symptoms should reflect on why they may be feeling what they are feeling. It can be a recent stressor or difficult situation, and identifying the cause may help you to understand your symptoms in a new way. Another consideration is whether or not that person has felt that way before, remembering that feeling down is sometimes an appropriate (and understandable) reaction to an event but over time a person should be able to recover. If it proves too difficult to do so, that may be a sign that a person could benefit from professional counseling and support. Along with those general guidelines, perhaps the most important factor for seeking professional help is if a person is having any thoughts of suicide or harming someone else. That person may not be aware of the seriousness of their thoughts, but if a friend or family member becomes aware they should also seek out professional consultation and encourage that person to get help immediately.”

Love is the foundation of all relationships including the on you have with yourself. All the therapy and medication in the world did not completely ease my depression. I had to make a choice to love myself for exactly who and what I was. I love that Scott’s definition of self-love included “an appreciation” of both our strengths and our weaknesses. Depression can seem like a dark cloud looming over you while all the sunlight shines only on what is “wrong”. You can change that when you begin to build a foundation of love within yourself. The first brick you lay for your new love-based foundation may be seeking out a professional to help you pave a way through your sadness or indifference toward things. I took that step. The therapist I met was beyond helpful. She opened a door for me that I had locked myself, the door to love, the door to a new way of seeing and thinking. This was the first brick to my foundation; perhaps it would a great brick for yours.

 

 

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Some Wounds Don’t Show, Part I

Approximately 20.9 million people over the age of 18 suffer from some type of mood disorder. Depression affects 14.8 million or 6.7% of Americans. I happen to be one of those 14.8 million people. Depression is very personal to me. I suffered internally for a very long time. I likened my feelings to a great war where my positive self almost always lost the battle. Depression affects you mentally, physically and spiritually. Sadness, at many times, literally is pain. The trouble with depression is the stigma of it all. I personally felt as if I was somehow defective as a human being.

Too many people ask others to simply “be happy” without taking the time to ask if there may be a deeper, more serious issue. I was strong enough to finally seek help and blessed enough to take a leap of faith. Getting to know people who showed me new ways of dealing with my emotions. Not everyone has found that strength or been so lucky to have people near to listen and understand. Because of this I wanted get more information on depression, what causes it and how you can help a loved one or more importantly yourself if you notice feelings of seemingly unending sadness. I got in contact with the Counseling Services office at Drexel University to get the facts about depression. Luckily Scott Sokoloski Ph.D., staff therapist, was more than happy to lend me his professional expertise on the subject.

Scott Sokolosky

What is depression? Are there different types or degrees of depression? Are there clinical terms to describe these varying conditions if so?

Scott – “The term Depression refers to a disturbance in mood that is characterized by varying degrees of sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, self-doubt, or guilt. While most people may experience one or more of these symptoms at some point in their lives, for some the feelings can last much longer or happen much more often than others. There are varying levels of Depression:

• Mild depression, symptoms are normally brief or may only minimally impact someone’s activities. Some people may call this “the blahs” or simply “feeling sad,” and it often goes away quickly.
• Moderate depression involves symptoms that are more intense and may last for a longer period of time. A person may find it more difficult to function on a daily basis, but generally can find ways to cope with their feelings with some help. In some cases, a person may begin to consider suicide as an option.
• Severe depression can result in a loss of pleasure in all activities, extreme fluctuations in mood, and intense feelings of hopelessness. A person may withdraw from most or all activities, and have almost no motivation to interact with others. Suicide risk increases with individuals who are severely depressed.

“When diagnosing Depression, we look at a few different factors. A person can have one Major Depressive Episode of varying severity that is a one-time event, but that same person may also have additional episodes throughout their lives that are separated by a period of time when they’re not clinically depressed. In this case we would diagnose Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Mild/Moderate/Severe. We also have to rule out whether or not their symptoms may be due to another mental health disorder such as Substance Use/Abuse, Schizophrenia, or Bipolar Disorder, or due to a medical condition.”

How can we differentiate between clinical depression and shorter periods of sadness?

Scott – “People undergo periods of time when they experience stressors, significant change, the death of a loved one, or other day-to-day concerns. Their natural response to such situations may include feeling sad, lethargic, less motivated, or indifferent, along with physical symptoms such as brief changes in appetite or sleep. In most cases, people are able to adapt to these situations while continuing to function in their daily lives. Clinical depression affects all aspects of a person’s life. It impairs our ability to sleep, eat, work, and get along with others. It damages our self-esteem, self-confidence, and our ability to accomplish everyday tasks. People who are depressed find daily tasks to be a significant struggle. They tire easily, yet cannot get a good night’s sleep. They have no motivation and lose interest in activities that were once enjoyable. Depression puts a dark, gloomy cloud over how we see the world, our future, and ourselves. This cloud cannot be willed away, nor can we ignore it and have it magically disappear.”

What are some of the classic signs of depression?

Scott – Symptoms of depression may include:

·         Becoming over-emotional (crying uncontrollably, lashing out on others), or possibly becoming emotionally blunted and unresponsive)

·         A lack of interest and/or inability to find pleasure in activities

·         Feelings of hopelessness and/or worthlessness

·         Complaints about lack of energy or fatigue

·         An exaggerated sense of guilt or self-blame

·         Loss of sexual interest and desire

·         Change in sleep habits, such as insomnia or increased need for sleep

·         Poor concentration, impaired memory, indecisiveness

·         Neglecting one’s appearance

·         Increased irritability

·         Dissatisfaction with life in general

·         Reduction in the ability to cope with stress

·         Change in appetite, either increased or significantly decreased

·         Physical complaints such as headaches, muscle pain, stomach pain, or nausea

·         Suicidal ideation

Intrigued? I surely was! Some of these symptoms were classic of myself, and others I know who struggle with depression. Keep an eye out for the remainder of this very informative interview with Scott, in Some Wounds Don’t Show, Part II.

 

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What’s Holding You Back?

One of the greatest troubles I have faced on my journey to self-love is staying motivated. As a person who has greatly struggled with depression and insecurity I found it increasingly difficult to stay motivated when I came to college. In high school I had a lot of structure. I played a sport every season. I was in a myriad of clubs and choirs, student council etc. All of these things I stayed involved in allowed me to stay on top of my workload. I had coaches, teachers, advisors and directors at every step of the way. One of the main reasons I stayed so involved in high school was that very attention which I felt I lacked elsewhere.  For college I moved eight hours from home. In a new city with a vastly different culture than the modest mid-western one I was so comforted by, I lost focus quickly. As time went on, I found it increasingly difficult to keep up in class and maintain some type of social life. I had almost zero motivation to get things done. I made excuse after excuse. I would tell myself how I would do this or that but I’m not smart enough or I will finish this later, I don’t have time or even at the height of my being lost, tell myself that my romantic relationship was more important than anything. I dodged internship opportunities, homework, friendships you name it! I was not motivated to stick to anything that wasn’t hurting me. I had become addicted to failure and irrational thinking. Here I want to point out what I find to be the top 3 killers of motivation.

1. FEAR (This is MAJOR!)

The greatest killer of motivation is FEAR! Most things never get done because you’re afraid you can’t do it, don’t have the time or resources to do it or the fear of judgment if you actually did.

How many times have you been defeated before even taking on a task or challenge because of the overwhelming unknown of whether or not it’s going to be executed to your (or someone else’s) high expectations? You will NEVER know the outcome if you don’t start. Procrastination does not pay. In addition, other people’s opinions or expectations have absolutely nothing to do with you. Every task you want to accomplish is totally on your terms. Don’t try and get it perfect, try and get it done.

2. A Lack of Clear Goals

If you don’t know where you’re going, then that’s exactly where you will never be. You have to decide what your ultimate goal is and how you plan to make it a reality. With no goals, there is no direction.

3. Poor Health

A healthy mind and body is essential in getting anything done. After starting my journey to a completely plant-based diet I discovered how eating better nearly transformed my entire mindset. My mind was clear and I had more energy than ever. A plant-based diet may not be a part of your journey but just eating healthier in general and adding some physical activity into each day can make a huge difference in both your overall disposition and your motivation to accomplish goals.

Do you feel like you lack the motivation to move forward in life? Comment below with your thoughts and suggestions for building and maintaining motivation.

Article Inspired by; Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz, and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

 

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The Four Agreements, A Book Review

I think we can all get lost in the sea of self-help books out there. There seems to be one to tackle every emotional issue you could encounter. I have personally read many, self-help books. Surprisingly or not I think they all spread a very similar message, positivity is power. We can radically change our circumstances with a both grateful and positive attitude towards life. Recently I found a book which I had heard rave reviews about called, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom”, by Don Miguel Ruiz. The book impressed me, firstly, because it stayed on the New York Times Bestsellers list for over 7 years and was featured as one of Oprah’s “Favorite Things”. Endorsers of the book also include Ellen DeGeneres and countless individuals across the world who have read, enjoyed, and implemented Ruiz’s unique wisdom in their lives.

I, personally, loved this book! It was insightful and very simplistic in its approach. What I found most refreshing was its emphasis on loving yourself with zero regard to the outside world. Other peoples’ opinions of you are theirs, and none of your business! Ruiz leads us to a wisdom that asks us as individuals to manifest the power of the self and the power of love. Loving ourselves first is a basis for making all of these new agreements in life. Ruiz suggests, and rightly so, that we have all been indoctrinated as children with a set of beliefs that are grounded mostly in lies and others opinions of us and we reflect these ‘truths’ onto ourselves creating a very unhealthy and harmful cycle of judgment and punishment. When we don’t live up to the ideals set up for ourselves by others we suffer.  Below are Ruiz’s four simple agreements. Take a moment to review and believe me, as someone who works diligently on improving their character for themselves by themselves, just by adopting one of these four agreements your life will be transformed!

1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of the word in the direction of truth and love.

2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life.

4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Want to learn more about Don Miguel Ruiz or The Four Agreement? Click here!

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